I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
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My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.