@HeyZeus666: I turned off Auto-Correct for the first time, and now my new girlfriend thinks she has a face that launched a 1000 shits.
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@Matt_The_1st: I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
@iamspacegirl: My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I'm questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
@WeAreGirICodes: *gets hit by a car* Driver: "ARE YOU OKAY?" Me: "Please... I need my... phone" *opens twitter* Me: "LMAOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"