straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
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Waffles make excellent pill organizers
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
rapatouille
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
I’m being attacked 😭
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid