@Carbosly: I turned on my computer and it went "Word" and I was like "Yo".
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@XplodingUnicorn: I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain. My favorite child is the Roomba.
@roadsidephil: Saw a "Toby Keith's I Love This Bar" that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
@WildeThingy: [dog social media] Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption - "woof, woof, woof." Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
@seriouslyemily: I like my men like I like my packets of instant oatmeal: Chunky and knowledgeable with facts about dinosaurs."