@Underchilde: I tweet because it’s fun and I like the validation, but also because one day it’ll prove to a jury how crazy I am.
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@BrettDruck: May he without sin cast the first stone [Everybody picks up rocks] Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin [Everybody puts rocks back down]
@Quartzjixler: I had professional respect for you but then you said "recognizance" when you meant 'reconnaissance.'
@Nocturnesthesia: Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
@upsidedowntrash: WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things? ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon