@Underchilde: I tweet because it’s fun and I like the validation, but also because one day it’ll prove to a jury how crazy I am.
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@pplwtching: Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
@rachel2manypaws: In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
@Cyd10e: 4 y/o: What's your job? Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food... 4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
@MUMSIEesq: ME: I should get out of bed. FRIEND: I already ran 9.5 miles and baked 17 cakes. M: I might shower today. F: My husband invented showers.