How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
You Might Also Like
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm