Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
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People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
went fishing caught a bass
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
some things should go without saying
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.