Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
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Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
I falcon love using swear birds
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.