@summerofbenny: I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app, and it uninstalled itself.
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@adamrensch: *accidentally walks into women's restroom* *plays it cool* *sits down* *finds comfort here* *changes name to Janice* *is alive* *is free*
@slyoung5: Good news: He told me I was his penguin. Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know how fast you were going? "55?" Cop: Faster. "217." Cop: Um, no, 72. "24?" Cop: I already told y- "Negative 6?" Cop: Get out.