@summerofbenny: I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app, and it uninstalled itself.
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@bees_wingz: I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
@LuckoftheDraw86: "Every child's a gift." "Your 'gift' is eating his own boogers right now." "..." "I hope you saved the receipt."
@causticbob: "Must you lick the knife?" "Sorry,force of habit" I said "Loads of people do it though, don't they?" "Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor"