@summerofbenny: I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app, and it uninstalled itself.
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@murrman5: [kidnapper hands wife phone] "brent" BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
@jwoodham: Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I'm running late to a concert and I'm the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
@robdelaney: Always have a fake name at the ready so you don't tell the cops something stupid, like "Andrew Granola."
@Gre_Gone: *horse walks into a bar* *horse walks into a bar* *horse walks into a bar* *horse walks into an optometrist* Horse: Holy shit please help me