One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
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DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar