[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
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DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.