In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
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whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.