I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
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Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
i did the math
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
The game has officially changed 😎
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
That’s not how days work.