I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
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an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
ME (calling my horse with no name):
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up