I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
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Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”