I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
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Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday