Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
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Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
HERE’S MARKY
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
dutch is not a serious language