Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
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Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.