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Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year