I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
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Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers