I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
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Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.