I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
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The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.