I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
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Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom