I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
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[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.