I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
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I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.