mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
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I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
step 6: release the wall snake
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors