[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
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This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Easy enough.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries