I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
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EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”