I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
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I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
There is no “we” in pizza
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
This made me chuckle.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!