[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
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Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Not😆🤣
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail