I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
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5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Sex so good you see dead people.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
what’s really going on
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*