Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
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I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.