I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
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Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Cucumbers Anonymous
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?