@ryan_rachryan80: I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don't have finger prints anymore.
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@GrowlyGrego: It's not an octopus. It's a water spider. And yes, so called "marine biologist", if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
@Fred_Delicious: "Good morning, this is your pilot speaking" ... "AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING" ... "and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing"
@jackmackenroth: People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
@withanewname: [trick or treating] "Oh, what a cute little…what's she doing?" Me: potty training. "In my pumpkin?!" Me: She likes the heated seat.