I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
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{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary