@laurenmacdonald: I use the phrase "when I win the lottery" a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
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@LeonEarlgrey: So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she's just pregnant.
@KalvinMacleod: ME: I’ve been shot MEDIC: put pressure on the wound ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
@SirEviscerate: There are no atheists in parking lots where you've dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
@ericsshadow: Doctor: How long has this been bothering you? Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm. Men: I think it started in the 90's.