@laurenmacdonald: I use the phrase "when I win the lottery" a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@dragonsorbet: [Picking up girls] Me: you like bad boys, huh? Girls: yea Me to my wing man: tell them Wing man: he's just literally the worst
@ShutUpThatsWho: [walking on beach] [find bottle with message in it] Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING? [another bottle with message washes against my feet]
@brakco: I can't help but feel that if Mario hadn't been taking so many mushrooms he would have found the right castle rather quickly..
@sploosk: THERAPIST: what's the problem? WIFE: he objectifies women ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster