@laurenmacdonald: I use the phrase "when I win the lottery" a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
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@KeepsItRustic: Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
@Turbo_Jimmy: I sexually identify with the noble panda; I too have difficulty having sex in a cage surrounded by 800 Chinese people
@WeissBrandon: When I ask my wife if she wants help, she changes the subject and asks if a bear shits in the woods, like I'm some sort of bear scientist.