I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
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You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?