I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
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guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.