Succinctly put.
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nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word