5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
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Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…