I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
You Might Also Like
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”