@mikeym00n: I USED MY WIFE'S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN'T STOP YELLING!
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@SufficientCharm: My boyfriend thinks it's cute when I use the clap emoji but I've just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
@DaddyJew: Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
@AristotlesNZ: Boss: "Thanks for making me my coffee. You know what'd go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a nice..Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"