She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
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I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
secret recipe
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.