@SweetTweetsBRO: I used to be a people person, but apparently collecting people in your basement is frowned upon.
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@robfee: While a gun does make for a cool weapon on The Walking Dead, the most effective weapon against the zombies is probably lightly jogging?
@2tickytacky: Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
@Brianhopecomedy: *wife phones* "Hi!" "Hi! Did you clean the house?" "Uhh...YUP!" "OK, I'm coming home. Need anything?" "Yes, about 2 hours."
@bridger_w: I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that's what I get for dating a raccoon.