Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
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I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
three things we don’t talk about
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Note to self: always read the final line
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling