@omgthatspunny: I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
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@NikiWithIssues: Hey person who wrote "WASH ME" on my car, I know it wasn't my car that wrote that. My car doesn't speak English. I'm onto you.
@elle91: Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
@HiddenPinky: Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt: "You like Nirvana? What's your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?" Kid: Nevermind "Yeah, me, too."
@TheMichaelRock: Some schools are banning Santa so they don't offend non-Christian students. That sucks, because Santa is my favorite part of the Bible.