Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
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Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
LOOOOOOL
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.