me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
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Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Netflix: We have Less
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all