I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
You Might Also Like
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected