When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
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Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.