“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
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[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.