I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
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Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
IT’S-A ME,
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Lucky for them, they’re cute