I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
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Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”