I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
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“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?